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The City: A Showdown in Candy Land [Recaps]

• Jul 14, 2010 from gawker(Gawker) in Entertainment
  &video;&security; We were too busy getting over this weekend's sunburn to watch The City last night. Good thing fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was there for the season finale. The fate of Whitney and Olivia's souls hang in the balance.
  What a Long Strange Trip It's Been
  by Betsey Morgenstern
  Assistant Chocolate Taster, Cocoaroma magazine
  Boy, did I have a crazy night last night. I can't even describe exactly what happened, but I'm going to try my best. I was on assignment in Alabama visiting a farm that grows organic mushrooms and makes their own chocolate for a feature I was writing about organic cocoa farms. When I got out of my rented vanall they have in this part of the country are child molester vans and pick-up trucksI was greeted by a young hippie couple named Arthur and Lotus. They didn't look at all like the kind of rednecks you would think you'd find out here in the middle of nowhere. Arthur was wearing a Ratdog T-shirt and some baggy corduroys with a patchwork of panels that went up each leg. Lotus was decked out in a peasant blouse and a skirt that looked like it was made out of the drapes from a heavy smoker's house and safety pins.
  They invited me into the house and showed me all the different sorts of chocolate they had. It was cut up into tiny little blocks and placed in a line on their very rustic kitchen table. "Dig in," Arthur said.
  I took one bite and it was delicious. It was minty flavored with little crispy pieces inside. The next cube was dark, dark chocolate, very bitter but with the same crunch. The next was a smooth milk chocolate but the same crunch to it. I kept eating bite after bite, about 10 in all, and the only thing they all had in common was that crunchiness. "Arthur, why do you put those crunchies in all your chocolates? Is that a signature?"
  "Crunchies? Those aren't crunchies," he said with a little giggle. "Those are mushrooms!"
  "What do you mean, mushrooms? That's so weird," I said back.
  "You know, like magic mushrooms. And I suggest you slow down a little bit because in a minute, you're going to start feeling a little...well...weird."
  "Holy shit. Who puts mushrooms in chocolate?! Holy shit. Holy shit," I said stumbling back a little bit and bracing myself on two kitchen table chairs that were mismatched and clearly bought at some swap meet in Selma. Suddenly the room started to swirl. Arthur and Lotus were swaying back and forth, like they were suddenly underwater. I knew from experience that this is what tripping feels like, and I also knew that it's never any fun when it's unexpected.
  "Don't worry," a very fuzzy Arthur said to me. "It's all going to be OK."
  And then he started to get further and further away and everything was getting darker and darker like I was falling into a black hole and everything was closing all around me. Suddenly, I was standing in a brightly lit lobby in Japan with Olivia Palermo. "Are you ready, Bets?" she asked me, as we walked into the office of Japanese Elle.
  We're immediately greeted by a small Asian woman followed by a slim but well-built gay man who was impeccably dressed. He had his hands clasped together in front of his chest and kept bowing repeatedly. "Arigato," the woman said. "I am the Japanese Erin Kaplan. This is my minion, Japanese Seth." She motioned to the nice man who bowed four times consecutively. "I have heard all about you, Miss Olivia Palermo. I have know what you are like." That last sentence was very ominous. "We are going to discover your little secret. What is it, Olivia? What is your little secret?"
  Asian Erin and Seth started approaching Olivia and Asian Erin starting making those twiddly fingers like she couldn't wait to get her hands on something and Asian Seth got this evil grin as he approached her and started rubbing his palms together.
  "Get off of her," I screamed. "I will get her secret at this party!" And suddenly we were at a party in a sea of Asian woman and they all wanted to take pictures with Olivia and she took one after the other with smiling Asian women for what seemed like hours. I was starting to get jealous. "Why won't you take a picture with me?" I finally pleaded.
  "It's because your face is too small. Look, it's getting even smaller!" one woman said. And they all pointed and laughed at me as I turned to look at my reflection in a mirror and they were right. My face was getting smaller and smaller, refining itself into a dot in the middle of my enormous head. "No, no, make it stop. Give me my face back!"
  And then a man's hand came flying out of the mirror and grabbed me by the neck and pulled me. I didn't know who he was or where he was taking me so I fought against him, pushing on the wall on either side of the mirror as its surface because a liquid. My arms weren't strong enough and I gave in, tumbling head first into the mirror puddle and landing in a heap on the other side. It was Joe Zee. Well, there are worse people who will pull you through a mirror.
  I slowly got up and I was...